My husband and ai were hanging stuff up, or redecorating, and we were hammering nails into two by fours. For some reason i was having a hard time. I was frustrated, in pain, but some how we found laughter among us. Usually when I’m in pain I replace the tears with laughter. Anyways, I was going on and I shouted, what are these nails aluminum?! Because it seemed almost every one of them would bend or the head would fold. Well, we looked on the box and sure enough, I had bought aluminum nails instead of steel. We both laughed. But I feel like I’ve come to the conclusion, I am an aluminum nail, not made of steel.

Hi yall, sorry I haven’t written in a while. Life has been life-ing, and I’ve been a bit lazy.

I have been struggling lately. Not that’s its hard to write, but it’s hard to write honestly. Because that’s what you get here. Honesty. And right now my honesty is not very positive. I’ve been in a lot of pain with my back/hip, si joint. Though more people have it worse, so I don’t want worries, but for me I feel I’m at my limit. And when I get at my limit, I dont care anymore. I let the pain take over and I speak into thoughts and actions of self sabotage.

If you see me out in the world, I look like a healthy 32 year old. As my husband says, Mr ashe works against me. I put on a front when I leave my house. Pain turns into a blinder, I know its there, but I just don’t care and will God it as best I can. But as soon as I get home, I can shed the mask, the blinders, the happy smile, and can sink into grunts and limps and tears. I can let my mind fall and give into a painful rest. Tender to the touch, I just want to ball up into my bed, and leave this world. I’m really not as strong as I appear to be. Honestly, I’m tired of pretending to be strong. …

But, there is some light; I go for shots the 16th, I hope that will get me some relief. Please keep me in prayers. Please help me not to think and act negativity. Please pray for rest.